I Would
by Radiorox
Summary: Aboard the Guadalcanal, Harm tells Mac what he would give up, triggering a needed conversation and resolution to their relationship. H/M Shipper story! - COMPLETE!
1. A Clean Break

I loved the episode "Measure Of Men" but always wanted to kick people's asses for not having Mac stick around to hear Harm tell her that he'd give up Renee. Why it would matter to her? I don't know. Could Mac not tell that Harm, basically, _settled_ with Renee? They can't be that dense, either of them. Talk about throwing wrenches in the work for wrenches sake.

Anyway, Harm being the stubborn dude that we love, he winds up going back to her room after the case wraps up…

BTW – This will be around four chapters long or so.

Enjoy!

Jackie

**FF Title: **I Would**  
Author: **Jackie (Radiorox)  
**Summary: **Aboard the Guadalcanal, Harm tells Mac what he would give up, triggering a needed conversation and resolution to their relationship. H/M Shipper story!

**Chapter 1 – A Clean Break (Mac's POV)**

I haven't really noticed how truly horrible the mattress was until just this moment. There are lumps that I'm fairly sure weren't there when I woke up this morning. Maybe it's me and the current mood I am in?

My brain is a mess, a jumbled mess and all I seek is the refuge of dreamless sleep. I came out here, to the middle of the Indian Ocean, filling a billet that will likely be a step back in my career, in order to find myself again. Was I running? You bet! After all, that's what I do best - run when things get too intense. It's a trait that I probably picked up from my mother. It's a lame excuse, I know.

For all intents and purposes, I'm a lousy Marine. We're supposed to be the first to fight and yet, when it comes to matters of the heart, that's the last thing I care to do; especially when the object of my desires is somewhere on this ship. How is it that this place felt so damned big until Harm arrived? Now it's claustrophobic knowing that we could bump into eachother at any given moment - and we have, which is why I'm now hiding from him. Thankfully, in an hours time he's scheduled to fly off the ship and I won't have to see him for months to come.

"Damnit." I curse and punch my pillow a few times, trying to level out the lumps that hadn't bothered me until now.

The nerve of that man coming all of the way out here just to 'talk' when that's the very last thing I want to do. "What a jerk!" We've tried talking and that tends to lead us nowhere. I've tried telling him how I felt and he just left me standing there, feeling like a total idiot in Sydney Harbor. When I decide to show affections to another man, one who actually wanted me, Harm has the gall to play the jealousy game and kiss me senseless on the night of my engagement party. He was so hot and cold that I have permanent whiplash.

To top that all off, he decides to dump that damned Tomcat and down my chances of ever having a stable life. Okay, so the dissolution of my relationship with Mic was hardly Harm's fault. He had stayed out of my business; save for some snide remarks and a few looks that stated he wasn't pleased. What did he expect, anyway? That I would stay single until he saw it fit to give me a chance? That I stay single while he dated other women? While our relationship was a bit rocky when he returned from his second shot at flying, I didn't believe it was in such disrepair until his interests were piqued by a certain blond.

To be fair, Renee wasn't all that bad, she just wasn't for him. As a video director, she had a keen sense of fashion and a Hollywood attitude. Unfortunately, that combination meant using Harm as an accessory more than a boyfriend. While I do believe that she genuinely cared for him, the woman was crazy to think that she could tame him by insulting his profession. I could never understand someone – anyone – who marries a service member only to harbor disdain for the military. Renee had a habit of seeing the Navy as nothing more than a hobby instead of a true profession. Harm knew this, he had to, which is why he steered away from any conversation about the military the few times that Renee and I shared the same airspace. Still, that is the woman whom he chose to be with and I often wonder if he was really interested in her or if he was just tried of being alone.

I do realize that it was unfair of me to feel upset that he was tending to her when I also needed a shoulder to cry on. Renee's father had died and I can't fault Harm at wanting to weather that storm with her. My anger was more towards the Universe itself and its most inopportune moment to throw such a wrench into things. In the time that it took me to drive to his apartment from the airport, I felt my spirits lift. It seemed as if we had a shot after all. And then the rug was pulled out from beneath me and I couldn't take it anymore – the stares, the questions at work and especially not the many calls from Harm wondering if I was alright while he comforted his girlfriend. To this day I still feel the cold rain drenching me as I stared up at his window. I had never felt so vulnerable until that very moment. I'd wished the rain fall harder so that it could sweep me up and help me drown.

Grabbing the pillow I fling it across the tiny room and lay back down with a huff. I hear the ticking of my watch and though the noise is usually tiny, it's driving me absolutely insane. When I finally allow myself to relax, a knock on the hatch startles me. "Colonel, may I speak with you?" I groan, turn to the side and pretend I didn't hear Harm's voice. His knock, however, is more instant this time and his voice climbs a few decibels.

The man is infuriating, annoying and would embarrass me just to make a point. Rather than risk any scuttlebutt, I climb out of rack, button up my BDU pants and tuck in my t-shirt. I open the door and stand there, in sock clad feet staring at Harm with a look that could kill. At least, I hope that's how it came across because, at the moment, I really could kill him. "Don't you have a helo to catch, Commander?" I try my best authoritarian voice and consider pulling rank until I see that look in his eyes.

"Harm? I something wrong?" He looks miserable, something that I have only seen in the few moments when he's been at his weakest. It's not a look that he shares often and my want to kill him dissipates as he steps into the cramped space. "Did something happen?"

He sighs deeply, as if the weight of the world were on his shoulders. "I would."

"You would?" What the hell is that supposed to mean? "You would, what?"

He's fumbling with his cover, shaking his head as if disagreeing with an internal conversation. "Earlier, you left before I got a chance to answer. . .Well, I'm answering now: _I would_. . .I would give up Renee and a helluva lot of things to have you."

His words barrel into me and I suddenly feel winded, as if I'd been punched. I _had_ turned away before he'd answered but my patience has been lacking as of late. I am tired of waiting on him, tired of reaching for something that would never be mine. "What things?" I ask, needing validation. Things with Harm are too complicated and I am sick of the double entendres and innuendos.

"What do you want me to give up?" He asks, but I'm not in the mood to play that game and suggest things that would eventually come back to haunt me.

Sighing, I step back and close the hatch, leaving us to a private conversation that I'm not really interested in having. "Harm, I wasn't asking you to give up anything. . . I'm not sure why I said that, any of that." I think I've reached my melting point and feel like a fool for being so needy around him. "This between us isn't meant to be explored." I say, trying to hammer the final nail into any intimate relationship that we may have. "Chock it up to the right people at the wrong time with too much emotional baggage." Now, if I could only force myself to believe that. The timing for us could have been better but it is less about the timing and more about the missed opportunities that we've offered each other. The only thing standing in the way of a fruitful relationship is ourselves. "Let's just make a clean break and salvage what's left of our friendship." I've resigned to taking Harm anyway I can get him even if it means living with this pain in my heart.

"I don't want a clean break, Mac. . .I want _you_." He replies. Before I get a chance to argue, his lips fall on mine and Harm is kissing me as if my mouth can lead him towards salvation.

TO BE CONTINUED...


	2. Tell Me Honestly

Thanks for the reviews guys! Here's part two in Harm's POV.

There should be two more chapters! :) I kinda like getting into character's heads. How many times have you seen JAG and been like "What the HELL were you thinking?!" WEll... ;)

Enjoy!

Jackie

**Chapter 2 – Tell Me Honestly (Harm's POV)**

**Several Months Later  
2013 Local  
Harm's Apartment  
North Of Union Station**

I stare out of the kitchen window wondering when the storm would pass. It had been raining for the last two days and the water had saturated the streets of Washington so much that driving had become a tactical mission. Even now, several months after crashing into the Atlantic, the rain and water in general, pose somewhat of a problem. Even showering is difficult, especially when the water falls over my face and I'm reminded of the precious moments when I saw my life flash before my eyes - when a wave threatened to take my life.

I know it was that very night when I destroyed two relationships: Mac and Mic's, and mine with Renee. Both dissolutions were probably for the best but, in the end, Mac and I were still apart and with a gaping hole in the place that was our friendship.

I probably shouldn't have kissed her; neither during the engagement party nor on the Guadalcana, several months ago. I realize that now as I think back to yet another failed conversation between us. I hadn't missed my flight off of the Guadalcanal; in fact, it was waiting for me, stalling until I could try to salvage a piece of our relationship. I just don't understand how everything had gone so wrong. I had gone back and let Mac know, in no uncertain terms, that I would have left Renee for her. And then I kissed her – at wrong time and in the wrong place. After which she smoothed my uniform – that she'd been grabbing onto as she returned the kiss – and asked me to leave. "_This isn't the place for this. I'll be home soon, we'll talk then."_ She promised and closed the hatch before I could try to get another word in. What transpired after that was a series of events that set my life more on edge than it ever was.

Taking a knife, I slice through the vegetables on my cutting board and then toss them into a waiting pot of boiling chicken broth. There's something about rainy weather that makes me want soup with any type of French bread. It's my comfort food of choice and always tends to pick up my spirits, which have been down as of late.

Cases have not been going well, something I attribute to a funk that I'm currently in. Twice I've gone to the airfield in hopes of taking _Sarah_ up and twice I've chickened out. It's not something I'm proud of but, given the year I've had, my head just isn't up to flying any type of aircraft. I keep wondering if I did something wrong with the Tomcat. Did I act hastily in my wants to return to Mac? And what was I returning for anyway? – That question will haunt me forever.

The attack of the US embassy in Aceh was probably the last thing that I needed to hear about. Although I knew that Mac was safe, she refused to take any of my calls and wouldn't even respond to messages and e-mails. Clearly she was still upset with me but, couldn't she understand that I needed to hear from her? The Admiral's validation was just not enough, I wanted to hear her voice and know that she was not injured. The fallout from such a fracas could lead to emotional traumas and compacting that with her problems with Mic, I didn't want to lose Mac.

I hear a soft knock on the door and wonder who would bother going out in this weather. The howling wind alone is enough to deter even the most confident of persons. To my surprise, I find Mac standing at my doorstep, soaked to the bone and with a duffle bag draped over her right shoulder. She opens her mouth to say something but, before she has a chance, I step out and wrap my arms tightly, hugging her for all she's worth. "I was going to call, but I was afraid I'd lose my nerve." I hear her stay and let her go only to realize just how drenched she is.

"You're soaked." I take the duffle from her and step back to allow her to enter the apartment.

"It's raining pretty hard." She motions towards the window and the storm that seems as though it will never let up. "I got soaked hoping out of the cab."

"Why don't you head for the shower? And change into some warm clothes." I offer, wanting her to be comfortable. "I'm making soup. There's enough for both of us. . .When the storm passes I'll take you home." I wasn't sure what had brought her here but I wasn't going to let her leave so soon if I could help it.

Mac seems reluctant but, after a moment's hesitation, agrees. "Yeah, that would be nice." She takes the duffle that I've deposited by the door and hurries up the steps to my room. Through the louvered windows, I see her disappear into my bathroom.

For a second, I remain rooted in place, remembering a day dream of Mac stepping out of my shower dressed in only water drops and a tiny blue towel. It's probably the last thing I should be thinking of but I can't help myself. "Now _that_ would be nice." Moving back to the soup, I finish putting in the seasoning and some organic tomatoes that I'd sliced up and left marinating in a little bit of balsamic vinegar and onions.

Ten minutes later, I place the large pot of soup on a trivet at the center of the table as Mac steps out of my bedroom. We've had countless meals together and I'd always enjoyed the ease that we seemed to settle into. That facet of the relationship had been tested when she'd decided to be with Mic. It was understandable; there wasn't any logical reason why a woman would spend so much time with a man other than her boyfriend. I wish she would have waited but, then again, I probably didn't give her a reason to wait. "What did you make?"

"Chicken and vegetable soup - I was in the mood." I place a small bread basket next to the pot and then poured water in each of our glasses. I see Mac's mouth practically watering and I wonder how long it's been since she last ate. "When was the last time you got some food in you, MacKenzie?"

Mac shrugs and settles into her usual seat. "Not sure. I was just going to pick up some pizza. This is much better." She says and smiles up at me. I dish up our meals and we're partially through dinner when Mac puts down her spoon and just stares off. "Harm, I came here instead of going straight home because we need to talk." She begins and I can't help but feel queasy. We've never been a pair to make much sense to each other and I really hope that my actions a few months earlier didn't blur the issue more. "On the Guadalcanal, you kinda blindsided me." She was right on that but, I didn't want to let such a huge opportunity pass by. For once, I was ready to move forward the timing just sucked. "I guess I'm blindsiding you now."

I don't know how to answer. Blindsiding isn't quite the word, but she does have me very off kilter. I would prefer just to lean across the table, kiss her and forget any differences we may have had. However, I've learned through other failed relationships that there are certain things that you need to talk about no matter how unpleasant. "Renee and I, we're through." I suddenly blurt out and the comment causes Mac to stare at me with that deer-in-headlights expression.

She recuperates rather quickly and takes a drink of water. "Oh."

Obviously she's just as bad at serious conversation as I am. "Renee broke up with me." That bit of truth is awfully embarrassing to verbalize; perhaps because I was too chicken to admit to both women where my feelings stood. In the end, it was the woman I had nothing in common with who knew me better than I knew myself. I guess I should thank Renee for making me see what I really wanted.

"Why would she do that?" Mac asks, knowing as well as I did that Renee wasn't the type to give up without a fight. "She seemed _very_ in love with you."

In love? I'm not too sure that would be the term I'd use. I'm sure that the woman loved me in a fashion but, when you truly love someone, you learn to let go. "While in California, she bumped into her ex and, apparently they are engaged now."

"Engaged? Isn't that a little quick?" I wonder if Mac realizes how ridiculous that sounds coming from a woman who couldn't even wait twenty four hours, after admitting her attraction to me, to be engaged to another man.

What's worse is Cyrus' career path is so far away from my own. "And the guy is a mortician."

She cringes at the word, surely imaging a guy in a black apron shoving needles in various areas of a corpse. "A mortician? I can't see that happening."

"Apparently they were very in love at some point. . .It's all very surprising to me." I say, finishing up my soup and then reaching over to the pot in order to ladle in some more.

Mac seems to drift away for a moment, stirring the soup in her plate as if she's searching for an ingredient that went missing. She takes a breath and lets it out quickly. It's then that I notice that she hasn't looked at me since this whole conversation began. "You don't seem too broken up about it."

That's because I'm not. It sucks to be dumped, especially for a mortician but, the fact remains that Renee and I had no future together. Sadly, I know I was just biding time. "Relieved actually . . .She wasn't bad but. . ." I trail off, unable to find anything else to say. Instead I turn my attention back to Mac in hopes of figuring out what made her so unavailable to me. "Mac, why didn't you call me back? Let me know you were alive?"

"I'm pretty sure the Admiral told you I was just fine." Is her lame response and it's taking all that I am not to get upset.

"I wanted to hear it from you."

"I wasn't ready . . .I guess I was still upset at you for going out there." She didn't seem too upset that we kissed, but I can understand that she didn't want me out there. Not when she was busy trying to piece together facets of her life that were so out of control. "If Renee wasn't here the night that Mic left, would we have talked?"

"I don't know. . ." I can tell she doesn't like the response, nor do I. But, I'm being honest with her and myself. I really don't know what would have happened that night. I would have been content just holding her in my arms. "Mac, I feel like I failed you somehow. . .but, what could I do? . . .That night after you left my place, I kept thinking that I could have done something better. . .comforted you too. . .I tried to call you, in fact, I did, twice." And during those calls and the messages that I left, I hadn't realized that Renee was awake and hearing those messages.

She takes her spoon and finishes off the rest of her meal. All conversation stops and a heavy weight settles between us, something that has happened too much in the last year. I hate walking on eggshells around her. I hate these misunderstandings. "I keep thinking about Sydney and that stupid ferryboat ride." Mac's words are soft, almost quiet and I wonder if she realizes that I've regretted everything about that night ever since I saw her kissing Mic at the airport.

"I didn't understand what you wanted from me. . ."

"So you pushed me away. . .without an explanation." My head tries to bring back memories of that night but they've been locked away. "I felt so foolish. I thought we'd finally gotten somewhere. You were back at JAG, we'd gotten our rhythm back. . ."

I had always wished it would be easier, my relationships, in general. I tend to over think things and forget to involve the other party. With Mac, my intentions for pushing her away were the smart thing to do at the time. "Mac, I'd already been involved with a partner. . .Kate. . ."

"Pike, I know."

"How?" I ask, though I wasn't sure I wanted to know the answer.

"She told me."

My embarrassment is displayed on my face as I feel my cheeks burn red. Out of all of the things that I preferred to keep secret, this was probably the highest on my list. "I was different then. . .Out of control, I guess. . .I just didn't want you and I to go down that same road or be another one night stand. . .Sleeping together destroyed my working relationship with Kate, who I _didn't_ have feelings for. . .I was afraid of destroying a relationship with someone I _did_ and _do_ care for."

Mac seems to consider my words for a moment. She sighs deeply and turns in my direction, her brown eyes etched with exhaustion and worry. She sighs again and this time lets out a shaky breath before I hear the question escape from her lips, "Tell me honestly - Do you love me?"


	3. I Want You

Hey guys!

Meant to post this a while back but my lil roach (aka: usb flash drive) decided to go on an adventure. Actually, I had it in my pocket and it fell out and under my car seat. :P

This chappie is a little shorter (i think) than the rest... and there's one more to go. ;)

Enjoy!

Jackie

**PART 3 - I Want You - (Mac's POV)**

Ugh. I'm not sure where that question came from; I certainly didn't mean to ask it. Harm has a nasty habit of backpedaling when deeper issues come in question. In fact, we make the perfect couple – he backpedals and I run away. Rather than answer, Harm seems frozen with a blank, emotionless stare.

His hesitation makes me feel this pain in my heart and I wonder how many rejections it takes to make it break. If Harm doesn't love me then why does he lead me on? Why did he kiss me, twice, with such a passion that I felt as if I'd shatter from the touch? I feel like a fool again. "Sorry, that was obviously the wrong thing to ask. . ." Suddenly his apartment seems tiny, claustrophobic and I want nothing more than to get up and run. "I think I'm going to call a cab and. . ."

It's then that he stands up so quickly that the chair he's sitting on tips over. His whole, sexy, six foot four body towers over me and there's a glint in his eyes that makes him look angry.

Angry? Why would he be. . . "Mac, damnit, don't you know that I'm _in love_ with you?"

He blurts the words out in a rush but punctuates the most important part – _In Love_ – with a fierce force. Harm rights his chair, takes a seat and then raises his hands up defensively. He swallows a few times and then I notice his eyes drawn to my lips as I moisten them. The look of anger changes to something else – hunger, want - and it's then that I realize what he said. "You're in love with me?"

"I thought you knew."

That was, absolutely, the dumbest assumption he's ever made and there have been many. "How the hell would I know? Other than my engagement party you hadn't really seemed interested." He hadn't, although, to be fair, he was doing the jealousy thing. All it served was to confuse me.

"I. . .well I. . ." He sighs deeply and then shrugs. "I've always had feelings for you Mac, always. I just. . .I didn't want to make another mistake."

I understand his want to curtail any types of mistakes. It would be so painful to be with him and then lose him because we couldn't make it work. "I know with us it would be a little difficult. . .We work together. Eventually one of us would have to transfer out."

"It's not just that. . ." He says as his head hangs in shame. "I was involved with my partner once. . .Kate and. . ."

"Kate Pike." I know the story, or at least, I got the Cliff notes – one wild weekend. Kate's indiscretion still shocks me. Fine, I understand girl talk but, there's a time and place for that. JAG HQ wasn't it, especially when she was so close to giving me specifics about Harm's bedroom behaviors. Harm visibly cringes, "She told me." He blanches at that and I quickly set him at ease. "No details, I promise. . .She just let me know you spent a weekend together."

Harm didn't seem happy that I knew about that relationship. I don't think he would be too fond to know that both Jordan and Renee had discussed his prowess in bed just a little bit more than I was comfortable with. "I was a little wild once. That was, probably, the biggest mistake of my life. Kate was a friend and the lines blurred."

"Just like they blurred between John and I." I tell him. Regardless to his mistakes, Harm wasn't the one sleeping with a senior officer. That shame lands on my shoulders and is a chapter in my life that I wish I could just rip out. "We both have made mistakes, Harm. . .What matters is what happens from this point on."

"Do you love _me_?" He asks with a cute smile as if he is one hundred percent certain that the feelings are to be reciprocated. I would love to tease him but, I'm tired of the dance.

"Yes. I've loved you every day for the past four years." I affirm, returning his smile. Harm's eyes light up and he looks as if he were about to jump for joy. "I didn't realize how much I loved you until you left to fly again." That act alone devastated me more than anything Harm could ever do. We were close then, so much that we even argued like a married couple – a point that Chegwidden brought up once or twice.

Harm takes a breath, which he holds for a moment. "They knew, didn't they? Mic and Renee, I mean."

"I suppose they did." I didn't want things with Mic to end the way that they did but, I wasn't the woman he needed. I was just settling and I am so ashamed over it. "Why didn't you ever try to come between me and Mic? Besides telling me a time or two that I could do better."

"Mic made you happy. I like seeing you happy, Mac."

"How do you know that Mic made me happy?" I ask, curious as to what he saw that maybe I didn't. Did Mic make me happy? He tried to but, I never really let myself be truly happy with him.

Harm sits back and folds his arms across his chest – a gesture that he didn't like the question. Or maybe he's afraid that I won't like his answer. "When you were with Mic you were smiling more. . .laughing. . .glowing.." He smiles at me but looks away with a forlorn expression. "I remember the two of you during Christmas. . . kissing outside of your apartment building. You spotted me before I could hide back in my car." He'd come to tell me he was planning on resigning his commission in order to find his brother. "After a while I started to figure that all I ever do is make you mad. . .make you worry. . . We fight too damned much."

"We do." I agree but, there's a part of me that enjoys the arguments. "They are charged, passionate and, in the end, we come to a better understanding of each other."

"You think so?"

"Don't you?"

He shakes his head and makes a funny face. "See, that _is _our problem – you're still making complicated thing simple."

Oh, for the love of God, can't we just agree to disagree? "And you're still making simple things complicated." I let out a breath for a moment and am saddened to know that whatever revelation we've made has just gone back to status quo. "So we're back to square one? Just friends?" Friends who are in love with each other and will never, ever be in a healthy relationship as a result.

"I don't want to be just friends with you, Mac." He says in a soft voice and then places a hand over my own. "We just. . .I mean. . .I don't want to lose you and . . .I don't wanna screw things up with you." His thumb is tracing circles on the back of my hand, stroking gently. "I guess if we don't try, we'll never know." He reasons and I finally start to feel the weight off of my shoulders.

"I know we'll have a lot to deal with but, we can make it work. . .It can't be harder than purposely keeping each other apart." All of the pushing and pulling has been mind numbingly exhausting.

His eyes focus on my lips again with a look of fascination. Purposely, I moisten my lips and watch as his eyes turn darker. "Can I kiss you?" He asks and it's at that moment that his eyes focus on mine again. Harm sports a mischievous grin and I consider the fact that he's actually asked for something that no man ever had.

"You don't have to ask." I say, my body already leaning towards him out of its own accord.

He's close to me now, only a breath away. "Mom raised a gentleman." Harm's voice, deep and husky says before I feel his lips on mine. His kiss is tentative at first, unlike that mind blowing one on the Guadalcanal. It's almost like testing the waters, trying to find a medium that feels right for both of us.

Before long, Harm's stretched out and practically lying across the table. My hands grab his shirt, tugging him even closer until he's forced to stand and pull me up with him.

"I want you." I hear myself say between kisses. Harm starts to lead me towards the vicinity of his bedroom and I feel myself shiver at the thought of what could happen next.


	4. Mind Blowing

Alright! Final and last part of "I Would." I should have the next chapter of "The Fine Art Of Marriage" up soon! You might just get two chapters. ;)

Enjoy!

Jackie

**Part 4 – Mind Blowing.**

"I want you." It's not the first time I've heard those words from a woman before but, when Mac says it, I get this surge through my body that makes me feel superhuman. I guide her towards the bedroom, maybe a little too eager to feel her naked skin against my own. I know we should stop and talk – I think we have a lot of talking to do – but, Mac's clinging to me almost desperately.

We manage to make it up the steps without much space between the two of us – a feat which requires a little bit of talent and whole lot of desire. Mac's hand on my chest stops any further development and it takes a second or two for me to realize that we've stopped kissing. "What's wrong?" She's staring at me with an odd expression, as if she's scared of what could happen. In truth, I'm nervous as hell and I don't know why. Maybe it has something to do with my want to not muck things up between us? Maybe I'm afraid that I can't please her. It has been nearly six months since I was last intimate with a woman. Though my doctor assures me that all of my parts are working, that crash into the Atlantic did shake my foundation.

"Are you sure about this?" Mac says and snaps me out of my reverie. I stare at her, wondering what she could possibly be referring to. "I want you. . .I do. . .I'm just. . ."

"Nervous?" I finish for her. Of course, she has to be. "Me, too." I confess.

Mac lets out a deep breath. "That makes me feel better." She says as our lips meet again and her fingers tug at my shirt which she removes and drops to the floor. Mac's hands roam over my bear chest, her touch branding me. My fantasies of making love to Mac were distinguished and varied. There were times that I couldn't look at her without considering what it would feel like to have her naked skin pressed against mine.

Our first time was neither slow nor gentle – as I often thought it would be. Then again, when you add up years of pent up sexual frustration and magnetic attraction, it's a miracle that the neighbors didn't call the police. "Sorry, I ah. . .don't know what got into me." I say as I manage to pull myself away from Mac and catch my breath.

She turns to me, face flushed and her body covered in sweat – as is my own. Her smile is captivating. "It's alright – I knew our first time wouldn't be slow or gentle." Mac takes a deep breath and lets it out followed by a soft chuckle. "I think I understand know when people say they hear music and fireworks. _That_ was mind blowing."

Mind blowing? She thinks I'm mind blowing? It's hard for my ego not to inflate. "You're pretty mind blowing yourself there, MacKenzie."

"Think you can handle round two?" She says, mischievous grin back in place as her hands begin to roam over my skin. My fantasy comes true.

Sometime later, after a much needed shower and a change of sheets, we snuggle into bed together – Mac's body pressed against mine. I take a deep breath and take in the scent of her shampoo, deodorant or whatever it is she's wearing. It's always been a sweet smell to me - a scent that I'm eager to find on my sheets tomorrow morning. "I'm glad you're back. . .I've missed you." I say, feeling kind of odd at admitting such things. I've never really been the verbal type and usually find that declaring my feelings is a rather odd feat.

There are a lot of obstacles in our way. Work is, by far, the biggest mountain but, it's hardly an insurmountable one. "You're heart is beating a million miles a minute." She says and turns in my arms to face me. I can just make out her facial features by the soft light shining from outside. "What's wrong? Second thoughts?"

"No. No second thoughts not now, not ever."

"Something's wrong." She probes again.

"Back on the Guadalcanal, you asked what I would give up to have you. Why?" Brumby gave up his career for her and Farrow practically did the same.

Mac shrugs. "I don't know. . . I think I just wanted to know what I was worth to you."

"I'm not good with relationships, Mac. Never have been. . .If you _need_ me to give up something, tell me what it is."

She remains silent for a moment and then replies, "It's not fair of me to ask you to give something up and you shouldn't have to just because I'm insecure."

"Isn't that part of a relationship?" And it is. Isn't it? "In order for you to be with someone, you need to give up certain things." With Renee I gave up my best friend just because my girlfriend felt threatened by her. With Annie, any future would have forced me to quit the Navy and possibly give up my plane. With Jordan, I gave up the right to speak freely, fearing that every verbalized thought would be analyzed. Though I couldn't fault them for wanting more from me than I was willing to give, I realize that, for Mac, I was willing to give up everything and anything. "What do you want from me, Mac? My wings? My career? I'd leave the Navy if it meant being with you."

The truth of the matter is that I would give up my wings if it meant I'd get Mac in return. After living through my mother's pain at losing my father, I am not prepared to put her in the same predicament. I couldn't do that to Mac - have her spend the rest of her life wondering where I was or if I was loving someone else. "You can't mean that. The Navy, flying, it means so much to you."

It's the depth of my feelings for her that scares me – the knowledge that I was willing and wanting to be everything to her. "I mean it, Mac. You deserve someone who'll always be there. . .I don't want you waiting for me like my mom did for my father. . ." It's something I wish I never lived through. While mom did her best to shield me away from her pain, it was difficult to hide. "I saw what it did to her. I won't do that to you."

Mac presses a hand to my cheek and traces the contours of my face with the tips of her fingers. Her touch calms me and soothes away feelings that will haunt me for the rest of my life. My father's disappearance will always be a touchy subject; no one knows that better than her. "I don't need you to give anything up, Harm. The gold wings are part of the man I fell in love with." She says the words with such conviction that I am left speechless. The woman never ceases to amaze me.

"I love you, Mac." I say and lean forward, pressing a soft kiss on her lips. Which is pretty much all I've wanted to do since her engagement party – kiss Mac. I try to deepen the kiss when I feel her pull away slightly. "What is it?"

I expect some banter or a tease but, instead, I hear Mac yawn softly. "I'm exhausted."

Traveling from the Indian Ocean isn't exactly a picnic. And, if I remember correctly, she seemed tired from the moment she arrived at my doorstep. "Long day?"

Mac nods and snuggles in closer to me. "Two helo flights, one C-130, a commercial flight into Dulles and the Taxi ride here after spending an hour waiting for my luggage." She rambles the list down and I cringe. One of the lousiest parts of being in the military is that you have to take travel as it comes and no matter how unpleasant it is and, it's almost always unpleasant. "I'm afraid I'll nod off on you."

That's highly unlikely but, I do want her to be fully awake and participating. "I think I could keep you awake." She chuckles and then promptly yawns again. "Get some shut eye, Mac. . .I promise I'll keep my hands to myself."

Chuckling, she wraps her arms around me. "I don't want you to keep your hands to yourself."

That's a good thing because, from now on, that would be a difficult feat. "Night, Mac."

"Night."

As I hear her fall asleep in my arms, I consider what would have happened had I not had the guts to contest her while aboard the Guadalcanal. All I wanted was to never lose her. Now it looks like I never will.

THE END.


End file.
